Crack Shots
by smiggers
Summary: A collection of one shots written for fun. Pairings may vary. Read at your own risk!
1. Ring Master

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, unfortunately.

Author's Note: This series is a collection of one shot crack fics. (Well, I don't have much of a sense of humour…so forgive me if it fails to send you squirming on the ground with tears of laughter running down your cheeks…) Hopefully this will be the first of many =/

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Crack Shots 1

**Ring Master**

_Written by smiggers_

The blue hair announcer ducked beneath the top rope and strode onto the ring. Tapping slightly on the microphone that he held in his hand, he clear his throat lightly. Smoothening out his neatly pressed business suit, he flashed a brilliant smile at the noisy audience.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Chrono Harlaown and tonight we have a star in the house. Let's hear you welcome...The White Devil!" The applause and cheers were deafening as the crowd leaped to their feet and some punched their fists into the air.

A busty blonde sauntered onto the ramp amid the catcalls from a group of rowdy gentlemen clustered along the neon yellow barriers. The blonde flipped her golden tresses behind her shoulder before bending over to strike a sensual pose. She wiggled her buttocks, causing the little ball of cotton to wobble tauntingly. Her black bunny suit was a size too small and served to further accentuate her generous assets that bordered on indecency. She waved her right arm at the crowd, her matching bunny ears flapping around her head. Winking at the announcer, she sent a flying kiss his way before wriggling her fingers in a come-hither gesture.

"Will you look at that?! The White Devil has brought her ever beautiful bunny tonight!" Chrono pretend to pluck the flying kiss from the air and brought it to his lips. "Mmmm… Uh oh… What's that I hear?" He cupped the same hand over his ear, as if he was straining to hear something. "Sounds like The White Devil is angry…"

The smoke machines silently blew a hazy fog over the entrance as the main lighting in the building was turned off. A pair of spot lights shone their beams in a dazzling array on the crowd before focusing on the entrance. The blonde bunny hastened to kneel by the ramp, head bowed as if in shame.

A figure lit by the back light stood stock still at the edge of the ramp. A shapely brunette with her long chestnut hair in twin ponytails surveyed the crowd, relishing the loud welcome. Dressed in a short white mini skirt with blue trim and a matching jacket with a fluffy red ribbon tied at the collar, she did not look as intimidating as her stage name suggests. Azure eyes as clear as the sky held no emotions as the woman strode towards the blonde.

One glove hand reached down to trace down the blonde's face and to her chin. With her fingers against the blonde's chin, she guided to blonde to stand. Burgundy eyes were glazed over as they stared into those mesmerizing azure orbs. Gently urging the taller blonde to bend forwards, the woman in white locked lips firmly with the bunny. The kiss was brief, yet passionate and the crowd could clearly see that as they roared in unison for more.

Pulling away from the blonde, the white devil strode down the ramp, her boots making heavy thuds against the metal surface that was quickly drowned out by the cheers of the crowd. The blonde bunny followed closely behind her mistress, head bowed and not meeting the many eyes of the audience staring at her with lust.

The brunette climbed into the ring gracefully and waited till the blonde had entered before possessively wrapping an arm around the latex covered waist. Moving to her designated corner, she sat on the single wooden stool and pulled the bunny onto her lap.

"In the blue corner, we have the all time champion, the Ace of Aces, The White Devil!" Chrono shouted into the microphone. "Now now girls, let's try not to make the gentlemen all hot and bothered before the match." He jokingly chastised the two women who were currently locked in an embrace with the blonde sitting in the brunette's lap while the brunette ran her hands all over the blonde's body. At his words, the blonde untangled herself from her mistress and instead stood behind the brunette and meticulously gave a shoulder massage much to the disappointment of the crowd.

"Well, tonight we have a challenger!" The crowd roared in response and Chrono pressed the earpiece against his ear to hear better. Nodding at the information that was relayed, he returned the microphone to his lips. "Allow me to introduce…" He trailed off for dramatic effect as the interior lights were dimmed once again and the spotlight played across the expectant faces of the crowd before fixating on the entrance.

"In the brown corner, we have Yuuno the…" Chrono paused as a scrawny blonde man clad in khakis and a green shirt stepped onto the ramp. Scrutinizing the man briefly, he lifted the small pin-on microphone attached to his lapel and whispered into it.

"Amy, is this the right guy? You didn't send in the interviewee for the janitor position did you?" He listened to the reply as he watched the man glancing at the jeering crowd nervously. "He must have a death wish then." He replied curtly before replacing the miniature microphone on his lapel.

Hefting the bulky handle, he raised the stage microphone to his lips and continued as if he had never paused. "Let's welcome, Yuuno the Ferret!"

The crowd jeered at the fidgeting man as the white devil smirked.

The blonde danced to the center of the ring as Yuuno slowly walked down the ramp towards the raised platform. The bunny bended over and wriggled her firm behind at the white devil as she slapped her buttocks and smiled back seductively. In response, the brunette raised her right hand and flexed her fingers as she pretended to claw at the blonde.

The bunny turned to face Yuuno who was about to climb through the gap in the ropes. Pulling her right eyelid down, the blonde stuck her tongue out at the clumsy man who promptly tripped over the bottom rope and half sprawled into the ring at her feet.

The crowd laughed at the display of clumsiness before shouting for blood.

The blonde bunny returned to her mistress's side and kissed the brunette passionately on the lips before slipping under the top rope and waiting outside the ring.

"Fighters, your positions please." Chrono gestured at the two black duct taped crosses stuck on the rubber ground. He was about to raise his arm to signal the start of the fight when the blonde hair man, what's his name again? gestured frantically at him to wait.

"What is it?" Chrono asked the blonde irritably.

"I should be asking that! What is this?!" Yuuno pointed at the ring and at the rowdy crowd behind him.

"This?" Chrono waved an arm at the hyped up audience. "This is a fighting ring that's what. You are contesting for a qualifying position in the Mid-Childa Championship."

"A fighting championship?! But I'm here for the poetry contest!" Yuuno replied in alarm.

"DING!" The bell rang with clarity through the noise, signalling the start of the fight.

"Oh shit." Yuuno looked up into the face of a deviously grinning white devil.

"Poetry eh? Let me show you some rhythms and rhymes, Ferret." The brunette smirked at the cowering blonde.

The first punch into his abdomen knocked the air right of him and he staggered back, gasping.

The second hit, an uppercut broke his nose, causing blood to splatter messily on the white devil's jacket.

The third punch hit him squarely in the right eye, the beginning of a bruise already starting to form.

And he fell with all the grace of a punching bag, sprawling on the rubber mat. The referee, a short redhead who looked like she still belonged in elementary school knelt by his head and slapped her palm against the ground.

"Count 1!" She shouted gruffly.

"Count 2!" The white devil took a folded metal chair from her grinning bunny.

"Count 3!" The blonde bunny pulled the brunette in for a scorching kiss.

"Count 4!" The brunette broke away from the blonde.

"Count 5!" The brunette strode towards him, the smirk on her innocent features befitting of her nickname, The White Devil.

"Count 6!" The metal folding chair was raised high above her head, casting a shadow on him and the ground beneath.

"Count 7!" A warm dampness was seeping through his pants.

"Count 8!" The shadow grew bigger, looming over his fear stricken face.

"Count 9!" The seat of the folding chair was indented by his head, a resounding bang resonating through the cries for blood from the crowd.

He never heard count 10.

---

"The poet pissed in his pants." Vita rested her right hand against her hip while the other brushed off imaginary dirt on her black and white striped referee shirt. "How's that for poetry?" She drawled.

"Nanoha, baby, you do realize that this whole gig is simply for entertainment right?" Fate tentatively asked the brunette, visibly uncomfortable in her latex black bunny suit.

The brunette shrugged. "It's an aluminium chair; he can't possibly die from that puny hit." Nanoha waved it off before eyeing the blonde. "Let's get out of here, shall we Bunny Fate?" She winked suggestively at the blonde who promptly flushed a brilliant shade of crimson.

"At the very least, help me get his scrawny ass to Shamal already. Really, what was Amy thinking? Advertising a fighting contest as a poetry contest?" Vita prodded a limp leg with her boot.

"It's called good marketing strategy. Chrono interrupted as he pressed his index finger against his ear to hear better. Obviously Amy was using him to relay information through the earpiece. "She also says it pretty much failed. Only one person entered for the poetry competition."

Vita rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Can we leave him here? I don't want to get his piss on my hands. Let the clean up crew deal with him."

As Chrono and Vita stood over the unconscious form of Yuuno, Nanoha and Fate were busy making out in the blue corner and pretty much giving the half drunk crowd a good show.

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Author's Note: There you go.

This one shot is inspired by Aoishiro and her very wonderful gift. ^.^ Many thanks to her for inspiring this one.  
A Yuuno-bashing fic since I hate him so much. ARGH.  
This is just an outlet to release some of my hatred for the guy since I made him out to be such an $$ in Rise of the Demon... (Yea, I'm advertising for my fic LOL)  
I feel slightly better... Whew...

My apologies to fans of Yuuno! This is a harmless fic to poke some fun at the poor guy...

Do read and review please!

Cheers!


	2. Flight

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.

Author's Note: Here's another crack fic. I'll admit it. I lack inspiration for Rise of the Demon… So here is another outlet for the accumulated stress…

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Crack Shots 2

**Flight**

_Written by smiggers_

The interior lights were dimmed and the cabin crew moved down the aisle, offering drinks and helping passengers to recline their seats. Fate shifted slightly as she relaxed into the comfortable First Class seat. Propping her feet up on the foot rest, she reclined further into the soft cushions and stifled a yawn. Eyelids drooped close as she allowed her tired eyes to rest.

It was going to be a long flight after all. Besides, she hasn't had the chance to get a good night's rest with all her assignments. Now that she finally got some time off to return to Earth, Nanoha just had to drag her onto a holiday trip to Paris.

By normal flight no less.

They could have opened a portal from HQ or flown there with magic. But no, they had to fly there by commercial flight.

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"_I've never taken an aeroplane before…" Nanoha had whined._

"_But you can __**fly**__." Fate replied incredulously._

"_Well yeah. But that's not the same as flying in an aircraft like normal people…"_

"_Yes, that may be true. But it's a lot __**faster**__." Fate had argued._

_And Nanoha eyes watered as she gave Fate her best puppy eyed look._

_Damn her for not being able to resist it._

_Fate had given in._

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And so, here she was sitting in first class clad in civilian clothes on a red eye flight by an international airline. The muffled hum of the jet engines lulled her into semi-consciousness. Folding her hands onto her lap, she allowed the comforting embrace of slumber to wrap around her overworked mind. A small smile tugged up the corners of her lips as she felt a thick blanket draped onto her before a warm body snuggled up against her right. A slender hand tugged on one of hers before entwining their fingers.

Nanoha pressed her lips lightly against Fate's neck before snuggling into the crook of the blonde's shoulder. Sighing in contentment she too drifted off into sleep.

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Fate felt weird.

Waking up in confusion, her mind struggled to comprehend what was happening. There did not seem to be an emergency and she did not sense any imminent threats. Yet she still felt weird.

Nanoha was still asleep, head tucked into the crook of her shoulder. Warm breath tickled her collarbone as the brunette breathe steadily.

The cabin was dark, the other passengers fast asleep either from the lull of the jet engines or from the excessive amounts of alcohol in the nightcaps that they had been served with hours earlier. None of the cabin crew was in sight, presumably patrolling the other sections of the commercial flight. A thick blue drape separated the First Class cabin from the rest of the plane, providing a small measure of privacy.

Fate stiffened.

There it was again, that scraping sensation along her denim clad inner thigh.

Fate looked down into her lap, seeing a lump beneath the blanket in between her legs.

'_What the heck?'_

It couldn't possibly be Nanoha pulling a prank on her, right?

Tentatively, Fate lifted the edge of the woollen blanket and peered into the darkness.

The cabin lights were too dim for her to actually see anything. Blinking her eyelids rapidly to aid her eyes to focus, Fate finally made out a figure.

Emerald eyes, round as saucers stared up at her.

An ear piercing shriek tore through the aircraft, rudely awakening the handful of passengers and sending the cabin crew racing towards First Class.

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"Hmmm… Rein, isn't this the flight that Fate-chan and Nanoha-chan were on?" Hayate pointed at the front page headlines of the newspaper that she had just received from the morning paperboy.

The tiny knight flew over towards her and sat on her shoulder, peering at the smaller print beneath the headlines.

"Hai, desu. Enforcer Harlaown and Captain Takamachi departed on a 747, flight number 1337." Rein confirmed happily.

"Huh. I hope they didn't run into any trouble…" Hayate replied distractedly as she read the article beneath.

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"**Ferret Found Decapitated on International Airline's Flight.**" The headlines screamed in large, bold capital letters. "_Airport police are currently investigating the matter._" It read in smaller print. A black and white photograph of a 747 commercial airplane at the terminal with several police vehicles parked around it accompanied the headlines.

Tokyo- A red eye flight from Tokyo, Narita landed in Paris Charles de Gaulle International Airport early this morning, carrying a ghastly scene in its First Class toilet cubicle. The cabin crew were unaware of this unethical murder of a domestic pet until post-flight checks were conducted. The stewardess in charged of the First Class section stumbled onto the scene and alerted the airport police.

"It was horrible! There was blood all over the place and this brown furry animal was held against the mirror with several toothbrushes stabbed through its body." – Air stewardess on Flight 1337.

"I was alerted by the cabin crew and saw the scene myself. The animal's head was in the sink and blood was splattered all over the walls." – Co-pilot of Flight 1337.

The airport police arrived at the scene in minutes. The area was cordoned off and the plane was searched thoroughly. All passengers on the flight were led into a holding room and held for questioning. However, immigration officers have reported two passengers to be missing. Narita airport had confirmed the clearance of these two individuals from its checkpoints and cabin crew reported that all passengers were onboard prior to take off.

Internal crime investigators were also called to the scene with their team of forensic scientists. The entire cubicle was dusted for prints and the bureau is currently matching them to passengers on the flight.

An anonymous investigator described the case as one of the worst pet abuse case he had ever seen. "It was gruesome. The ferret was crucified to the mirror with complimentary in-flight toothbrushes. Its head appeared to be cut off with a detached shaver's blade as can be seen by the jagged cuts and the severed muscle. We found the weapon in the sink and our team are currently trying to get some prints off it. Post-mortem has revealed that the animal was a male although we found no obvious signs of it." – Anonymous Investigator.

"We didn't see balls on that ferret." – Anonymous Airport Officer.

Meanwhile, the operating protocols of the baggage loading department of Narita airport are being revised. Several airlines have voiced the need for stricter flight transport for animals. It is unclear how the ferret escaped from the storage bay and into the main cabin.

As of press release, the ferret's body remains unclaimed and will remain in the city's possession for three days before disposal.

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"Eww… Rein feels sick, desu…" The miniature knight covered her mouth with a tiny hand.

"Rein…" Hayate was about to send the tiny woman to bed for some rest when the doorbell to their modest house chimed.

"Coming!" Hayate called out as she hurried to the door.

What greeted her on the other side was a surprise.

"Nanoha-chan? Fate-chan? I thought the both of you are in Paris?" Hayate stepped back in surprise.

"We'll explain later. Can we come in?" Nanoha fidgeted with the hem of her blouse.

Hayate waved them in and led them to the living room.

"There wasn't any trouble, I hope?" The young commander queried worriedly.

Fate pointed at the newspaper spread out between them. "Have you read that?"

Hayate glanced at the papers and nodded slowly. "Yes…and?"

Both Nanoha and Fate stared at her.

"Erm?" There was something that she was missing out. A few moments of silence later, Hayate's eyes widened in shock when she finally pieced the puzzle pieces together. "No way…" She mumbled in disbelief.

"Yes way." Nanoha corrected solemnly.

"Rein, get me through to Yuuno, Infinity Library." Hayate instructed the tiny woman perched on her shoulder.

Rein closed her eyes for a moment before shaking her head in the negative. "Unable to contact Yuuno Scrya of the Infinity Library, Mistress."

"Oh shit." Hayate concluded as she stared wide eye at the two women. "What did he do?"

"He was touching me! Down _there_!" Fate replied agitatedly.

"And you…killed him? But it could have been an accident!"

"Nooo! He had his filthy paws on me! And…and even after I screamed, he continued to grope me!" Fate replied indignantly.

"He groped you?! Why didn't you tell me about that?" Nanoha stared at the blonde in shock. "You should have let me have a go at him! No one and I mean no one other than me should touch Fate-chan!" Nanoha seethed. "I should rip him to shreds!"

Hayate pressed her fingers to her temple. "I take it that the both of you are here because you need me to keep things quiet?"

Nanoha and Fate nodded in unison, hope on their faces.

"I'm sure you have a spell to erase memories right? Or perhaps Shamal can do it?" Nanoha took both of Hayate's hands in hers as she put on her best puppy dog eyes.

"Don't try that on me. It only works on Fate-chan." Hayate chastised tiredly.

So much for a relaxing holiday on Earth.

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Author's Note: A very big thank you to all reviewers! My apologies for not replying… I know I usually do and there should be no excuse otherwise…

Here's another Yuuno bashing fic since it's in demand. =D

No _real_ ferrets were harmed in this fic.

Read and review please!

Cheers!


	3. Enforcer Harlaown

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.

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Crack Shots III

**Enforcer Harlaown**

_Written by smiggers_

"Enforcer Harlaown…" The voice trailed off in fear.

The blonde enforcer stepped forwards, burgundy eyes gleaming manically as she raised a black rubber whip.

"Oh, Enforcer Harlaown… I've been bad… Punish me!" Signum cried out as she pressed her back against the headboard of the king sized bed.

The pink haired knight got onto her knees and elbows on the mattress, head turned back to wordlessly implore the blonde enforcer to leash out her dues.

Fate climbed onto the bed, hiking up her black skirt as she crawled towards the other woman. The whip was raised high into the air and brought down with a sharp crack.

"AHHH!" Signum gasped in pain as tears filled her eyes. Fisting the bed sheets, she squeezed her eyes shut, mentally preparing herself for the next lash.

The blonde enforcer grinned and brought her right arm up.

"Crack!" The sound was barely audible in the room, but both women heard it clearly.

The raised arm was dropped limply to her side and the blonde pressed the palm of her other hand against her back.

"Oww…" She winced as she gingerly rubbed the sore spot. "Mistress… I don't want to pretend to be Captain Fate anymore… These things are heavy…" She pointed to her ample cleavage. "Rein cannot support them desu…" The blonde shook her head sadly.

"I fully agree." The pink haired woman flopped onto the bed. "I wonder how Signum fights with them bouncing around." She gestured at her heaving chest. "Well…shall we try again?"

The blonde droop her head dejectedly. "Yes, Mistress…"

They were about to continue when the automated door hissed opened.

"Hayate!" A brunette with hair tied up in a side ponytail burst into the apartment with a long haired blonde hot on her heels. Azure eyes were wide with panic as she ran towards the bedroom. "We've an emer-…" Nanoha trailed off as she skidded to a halt at the bedroom door, almost causing Fate to slam straight into her.

The blonde twirled away before she could collide with her brunette friend who was staring in shock at the scene in the bedroom. Peering over Nanoha's shoulder and into the room, Fate gaped in horror.

"What…the…hell…is going on here?!" She shrieked, her usually gentle voice many octaves higher.

"Oops…" The pink haired woman grinned sheepishly as the blonde straddling her blushed.

The magic was released with a soft 'poof' and the spell ended. Rein now back in her tiny form, floated down to perch on her mistress's shoulder.

"Well…you see… we were erm…" Hayate fidgeted with her crumpled dress shirt, her sapphire eyes darting around the room as her mind worked frantically for an explanation. "…er…cosplaying! Yea! We were cosplaying!"

Nanoha narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the flustered commander as she stood at the end of the bed. Crossing her arms, she glared at the sheepish short haired brunette and the embarrassed knight in turn.

"At the very least, you could have consulted me on Fate-chan's measurements. You are one cup size too small." Nanoha glowered at her commanding officer.

"What?! You mean Captain Fate is even bigger than that?" The miniature knight squeaked in disbelief.

Fate sputtered indignantly at her lover's betrayal.

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Author's Note: Another crack fic featuring pseudo 'Fate x Signum'.

Read and review please~

Cheers!


	4. Whipped

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.

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Crack Shots IV

**Whipped**

_Written by smiggers_

The crack of the whip rang out in the cavernous room. Like piercing gunshots, the rubber whistled through the air before making contact with soft flesh.

"CRACK!"

Blonde hair hung limply as the figure slumped forwards, held up by the rusty shackles around bloody wrists.

Another crack and skin split opened to reveal the muscle beneath.

The whip was yanked back, crimson droplets flecking the floor.

"I should hit you more. You deserve it." A haughty voice mocked from the darkness and the sharp crack of the whip followed.

An angry red welt stretched across the pale back, a new addition to the countless criss-crossing of the ones from before.

The grunt of pain was barely audible in the room.

The mauve haired woman stepped out from the shadows and into the pool of light in the center of the room where the blonde stood with arms shackled outstretched. She was clad in a tight black spandex suit that hugged her full figure with her ample cleavage revealed by the low neck line. Sauntering forwards, she waved the whip to and fro in sync with her swaying hips.

"My, my…you have been naughty haven't you?" Amethyst eyes gleamed manically.

With a flick of her wrist, the black rubber whip sliced through the air and made contact with a fleshly smack. The blonde jerked but otherwise remained silent.

"Let me hear it. Let me hear you scream." The mauve hair woman taunted before the whip lashed out again.

A small whimper escaped from the blonde figure covered by shreds of what used to be a shirt. The thin strips of cloth were now stained a murky crimson by a combination of both dried and fresh blood.

The whip was pulled back, the long rubber recoiling like a snake before striking out with a crack.

This time, the blonde grunted loudly.

"Yes… that's right. I want to hear more…"

Another crack and a single tear hit the tiled floor with an inaudible splash.

"Beg me for it. BEG ME!"

The whip was raised high into the air.

"Hit me as much as you want, Precia-sama…" The blonde whispered submissively.

The mauve haired woman chuckled as she swung her right arm down. The crack of the whip as the rubber straightened and the fleshly smack as it made contact with tender flesh was music to her ears.

The blonde jerked, causing the metal shackles to jangle at the sudden movement.

"Hit me more, Precia-sama… I want to feel your love…" The blonde choked out through the tears of pain.

"You will have to beg me for it, my little ferret." Precia murmured huskily into the blonde's ear.

Emerald eyes met amethyst as Yuuno looked up to meet the older woman's piercing gaze.

"Hit me, Precia-sama. Mark me as yours and yours alone…"

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Author's Note: This one is dedicated to Aoishiro. Thanks girl! You inspired this one!  
A Yuuno x Precia one shot. *shudders*

Note: No ferrets were harmed.

Reviews would be much appreciated.

Cheers!


	5. A Confession

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in MSLN.

Rated T for language.

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Crack Shots V

**A Confession**

_Written by smiggers_

This was it.

Yuuno Scrya's big day.

The day he confesses his undying love for a certain brunette.

He had been planning for this day for months and finally, it was here. He had everything prepared, rehearsed his lines for the umpteenth time this morning and even took extra care when shaving what little stubble he had.

He had picked out his best outfit the night before and ironed them before hanging them up on his wardrobe knob. Stepping out from the shower, he towelled his long blonde hair as dry as he could before turning on the hair dryer. Shaking out the clumps of damp hair, he meticulously dried the long strands before pulling them into a low ponytail at the nape of his neck.

He picked up the squat bottle of cologne sitting by the sink and sprayed copious amounts beneath his arms. Wrinkling his nose at the overpowering and very masculine scent, he leaned forwards against the sink to scrutinize his complexion in the mirror. Leaning back, he playfully flexed his arms and watched as his reflection mimicked him. He nodded at his reflection, before flashing a grin and two thumbs-up at himself and leaving the bathroom with a white towel wrapped around his waist.

Grabbing a pair of briefs in his favourite colour of brown, he self-consciously slipped them on before removing the towel and draping it on the back of his desk chair before walking towards his wardrobe and eyeing his chosen outfit.

He had picked out a white dress shirt and khaki pants for the day. Sliding the well-pressed shirt off its wooden hanger, he slipped his arms carefully through the sleeves, taking care not to crease the shirt. He looked into the full length mirror as he buttoned his shirt and smoothened out the hem before pulling his equally well-pressed pants on. Opting for a brown leather belt, he carefully slipped it through the loops and buckling the leather strip. With his thumb, he rubbed off some smears on the shiny metal of the buckle.

He stood back from the mirror and scrutinized his reflection. Nodding in satisfaction, he smoothened out an invisible crinkle in his shirt.

"Right, looking good, Yuu."

With one last glance at himself in the mirror, he hurried out of his modest apartment.

---

Yuuno waited nervously in the park. Standing beneath a tree, he tried not to fidget too much and possibly risk breaking out in cold sweat.

"Patience, patience. You are almost an hour early after all." He muttered to himself.

He had arrived at the meeting place almost a whole hour before the agreed meeting time and had remained in the same position ever since. There was barely five minutes left before his date arrives.

This place was of significance to him. After all, it was where he had first met the girl whom he would eventually fall deeply in love with. But she doesn't know that, yet.

Spying a bob of brown hair from the corner of his eye, he inhaled deeply to calm his nerves. The brunette stepped closer, her hair tied up in her trademarked side ponytail which bounced with each step she took. The ends of the chestnut hair swept across her shoulders which were partially exposed by the white sundress that she wore. A smile spread across her features as she noticed him.

"Yuuno-kun!" She called out, waving when she was within earshot.

Hurrying towards him, she apologized profusely. "I'm sorry. Did you wait long?"

Yuuno shook his head, too tongue tied to reply.

She looked beautiful as always.

Yes, Yuuno Scrya is in love with Takamachi Nanoha.

Taking deep breaths to calm himself, he coughed lightly into a closed fist.

"So, Yuuno-kun, what is it that you wanted to tell me?" Nanoha cocked her head to the side, staring at the flustered blonde in curiosity.

"Ahh… I'm getting to it…" Yuuno coughed into his closed fist once more, buying time to calm himself.

"Nanoha, I've been thinking about this for a long time." The brunette nodded, wordlessly encouraging him to continue.

"Ever since, I met you here all those years ago, you have been constantly showing me kindness. Soon, I found that I would do anything just to see your beautiful smile." Nanoha opened her mouth to interrupt but Yuuno held up a hand.

"I want to show you how much you mean to me." Turning around, Yuuno swiftly unbuttoned his shirt and allowed the cotton fabric to slip down to his waist. "Look, I've got it tattooed so it will remain permanent." He turned his head to peer over his shoulder at the brunette. "I love you, Nanoha. I even got your name tattooed on my back."

Nanoha scratched her cheek as she studied the tattoo on Yuuno's scrawny back. The letters were in bolded uppercase, each letter carefully outlined in black ink with blue ink filling.

"Pussified?" She intoned carefully, raising an eyebrow sceptically.

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Author's Note: Another crack to poke fun at Yuuno simply because I don't like him. At all.

Review please!

Cheers!


	6. Flush

Disclaimer: None, as usual.

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Crack Shots VI

**Flush**

_Written by smiggers_

"Ah. Nanoha, I'm going to the ladies. You go on ahead; I'll meet you at the conference room."

"I'll come too." Nanoha caught the blonde's hand.

"You don't have to… Besides, if you do, we'd both be late."

"But I want to have some _alone_ time with you…" Nanoha murmured into the blonde's ear.

Fate blushed a brilliant shade of scarlet. "This is exactly why I didn't want you to come…"

Nanoha pouted at the blonde's words. "You don't want me?"

"No no!" Fate replied in a fluster. "It's not that. I'd rather we get this meeting over with and we can have our alone time in our apartment…" If it was possible, Fate blushed even harder.

"It's a deal."

Nanoha leaned up to stealthily peck the flustered blonde on the cheek. Sauntering away, she swayed her hips from side to side and turned her head back to catch burgundy eyes glued to her booty. Those glazed burgundy eyes flicked up to meet hers and Fate blushed harder at getting caught. Nanoha winked at the blonde before she turned the corner and was out of sight.

"Whew…" Fate muttered as she fanned herself with her right hand.

Hurrying down the deserted hallway, she followed the overhead signs to the washroom. Slipping into the spacious washroom, she marvelled at the state of the art technology it was equipped with.

Automated sensor lights lighting up at the slightest indication of a user, automated sensor faucet that regulates the temperature of the water gushing out and even toilet seat warmers with a built-in bidet that one can adjust to one's preference. Soothing music sounded from the hidden speakers accompanied the holographic screens around the washroom that changed from the lush scenery of a forest to a snow-capped mountain and a gushing river. There was even a small control panel where users can select their ideal picturesque landscape while answering nature's call.

She waved her palm over the scanner attached to the control panel to activate her preferred settings. The holographic images around her immediately changed to that of a gushing waterfall and the chirping of birds and splashes of water surrounded her.

The last time Nanoha had dragged her into the washroom was a nightmare. As soon as the brunette had scanned her palm, a Japanese pop song blasted from the speakers and the screens shifted to that of a stage performance by a Japanese pop singer. She could never understand how such an environment could possibly be conducive.

Fate shuddered at the memory and was about to settle on the warmed toilet seat when she notice something out of place.

A small furry head was leaning out from the rim of the toilet seat. Its emerald eyes saucer wide with anticipation. Furry paws were gripping the edge of the seat as the animal stood with its lower body partially submerged in water. Yellowish brown fur covered its entire body and its tail was swaying in the air. Unclipped nails were pressed into the plastic seat. A wet nose sniffed the air.

Fate stared.

The ferret looked awfully familiar.

Shrieking in horror, she raised her black stocking clad leg and kicked out at the animal with her black heels. The ferret landed into the shallow pool of water with a splash accompanied by a spray of water. Fate leapt forward and jabbed the flushed button mercilessly. She was immensely grateful that automated flush toilets still had a manual option. Water gushed out from the many sprays located around the cistern and the pool in the center swirled. The ferret squeaked in alarm and scrabbled against the slippery sides. The ear piercing shrills of nails scraping against porcelain was mind numbing. With a guttural roar, the vacuum started up, sucking the blackwater and the ferret into the sewage system with a 'whoosh'.

Fate staggered back from the cistern and stumbled out of the washroom.

---

"Recently, we have received information regarding the rebels in the northern region staging…" Hayate waved her laser pointer at one of the many planets in the holographic three dimensional image of the solar system.

The automated door slid opened with a hiss and a stench preceded the newcomer. Yuuno strode into the conference room, water dripping off his clothes and soaking the carpet. His blonde hair was a tangled mess and his previously white shirt was stained to a murky brown. The putrid stench filled the room and some of the occupants gagged.

Fate jumped to her feet from her seat across the door. Pointing a shaking finger at the blonde male, she stuttered. "It-it was y-you!"

Yuuno grinned sheepishly as Nanoha turned to the agitated blonde in confusion.

"What's wrong, Fate-chan?"

Her shoulders trembled with barely controlled anger as she seethed. "That pesky ferret was peeping at me in the washroom!"

Yuuno laughed nervously at the accusation but otherwise did not deny it.

In a split second, Fate dived across the wide oval rosewood conference table and a flash of yellow erupted before she landed on the other side, in between a bewildered Teana and equally confused Subaru. Her sonic form barrier jacket was fully materialized with Bardiche in his Zamber form clutched in her fists before she landed on her feet. Raising the energy sword with both hands, a magic circle spanned out from beneath her boot clad feet as she charged her magical attack.

"Die, you perverted ferret!" Fate yelled, her burgundy eyes blazing with fury.

"Starlight Breaker!" A huge beam of pink energy engulfed the surprised Yuuno.

The trademark magical attack from Nanoha took out the entire wall and left a singe Yuuno sprawled on the carpet.

"Nobody, and I repeat, nobody sees or touches _my_ Fate-chan!" Nanoha snarled at the dazed Yuuno as she charged up another Starlight Breaker. "I don't care if you are my best friend either. **I **_**don't**_** share**!"

* * *

Author's Note: This one is dedicated to Aoishiro.

Review please =3


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